Connection Archives » Missbethcan

Turns out I fucking hate puzzles (and other COVID thoughts)

Posted on May 12, 2020 by beth

The other crisis

You felt it coming.

We all did.

A week into quarantine, the walls got stern, the world got quiet and you wondered – could we ever emerge from this the same?

Predictions started swirling, every pundit suddenly privy to the whisperings of the COVID crystal ball.

Sure, we might be saving ourselves from a hyper-communicable disease – but were we exposing ourselves to something much worse… ourselves?

You see, we weren’t built to be alone.

Tribal creatures, through and through, our DNA is wired to crave community, connection and the great comfort these things bring us.

We are social by nature and by nurture.

And so the looming months looked more like a prison sentence than a civic duty.

Articles started coming out.

My own favourite author predicted the ‘mental health crisis‘ that would await us before the end of all this.

Turns out I fucking hate puzzles

Isolation started to get tough.

We collectively began to pace and paw at the doors of our houses.

The days became sharp and pointed. So did our tongues.

We bought a puzzle – turns out I fucking hate puzzles.

The morning walk of the dog around the block became the only ray of sunshine in the day – and heaven forbid if rain clouds dared to interfere.

But quietly. Cautiously. Without fanfare or announcement. The slow life crept upon us.

Suddenly we’d been gifted time – the same present we’re all given every day that we repeatedly forget to unwrap.

Those 86,400 seconds we throw away, as though we can ever get them back again.

The hours you’d spend in transit, in lines and with people you probably shouldn’t – as though they were worthy of the precious minutes you gave them of your short little life.

Every video and phone call suddenly felt that much more important.

And damn if you didn’t make more of an effort to make and take those calls – they became your only link to the outside world.

And so I noticed – I began to breathe more deeply in this space.

In this great in-between.

The choice

It seems we’ve all been desperate for this.

We’re more resilient than we give ourselves credit for – even the science says so.

Funny how the universe gives us exactly what we don’t think we’d ever want and yet it turns out it might be the one thing we all need.

I don’t know what the world will look like next month or next year.

Our memories are short and our patience even shorter.

Will we be able to hold onto some small morsel of this shared magic?

Will you call you mum more often – and turn on the camera so you can see her face?

Will you work from home more days of the week now – so you can spend those extra moments with your kids, your dog, your partner – yourself?

Will you spend more weekends at home – because you know you can make your own fun there, without spending a dime, using up precious resources or looking any different?

Perhaps.

Or perhaps we aren’t meant to remember this.

Perhaps it’s just this – a moment in time, we will point to and laugh at and make funny memes about.

I hope not.

I hope we learn.

I hope we grow.

I hope we change – if not for our own sake, for the planets.

And so I’ll leave you with this thought:

If the world turned back on tomorrow – what would you keep from this COVID life?

On Living Alone (and other modern maladies)

Posted on November 7, 2019 by beth

Emma Watson said this week, to British Vogue, that she was ‘self-partnered.’

I, for one, don’t know what the fuck that means.

But I do know what it looks like to live a solitary life.

I spent my 26th year alone – in every sense. Single, and the soul occupant of a one bedroom apartment. And I became very well acquainted with the modern malady of living alone.

What living alone looks like:

It looks like Uber eats 4 times a week because cooking for one sucks absolute dick.

It looks like a yoga mat in the middle of your floor that you never have to move because it’s not bothering anyone but you.

It looks like self care – lots of it – because who the fuck else is gonna care for you?

It looks like lying to taxi drivers about who you’re going home to – because if you tell them there’s no-one waiting at the end of the fare, you don’t want to ruin your night wondering if it’s safe to go to sleep.

It’s sounds like ‘I like being by myself’ – and only sometimes meaning it.

Some day it’s taking yourself to the ocean and watching a sunset so beautiful it makes you cry and wish you had a better camera – and someone to take a photo of you with it.

It looks like deciding to travel the world and not having to make a single sacrifice on the itinerary.

It looks like spending 4 hours in a museum on that trip because there’s no one else there to complain about how bored they are.

It’s not having to shave your legs.

It’s listening to Taylor Swift whenever you want, as loud as you want.

It’s the silence of your tiny space at 3am on a Tuesday.

It’s the weight of your existence without the comfort of a human shaped mirror to reflect who you are.

It’s being alone but not lonely – because you eventually realise, that too, is a choice.

The Halo Effect | Why we’re so fucking vain

Posted on July 17, 2019 by missbethcan

It’s the smallest thing that can make your day. A good coffee. A smile from a stranger. Or even better, the following words (accompanied by a smile!) from a stranger:

“I’m so sorry to interrupt and I hope I this isn’t impertinent but I just wanted to tell you that you’re one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever seen, you’re just stunning and I had to tell you. I hope you have a great day”.

It wasn’t a sleazy come-on. He had no ulterior motive that I could see, he didn’t want my number or even my name – he was exiting the cafe as he said it and didn’t even wait to for me to say thank you before he left. His intention, it seems, was to simply say something nice about how I look.

And despite the kind nature of his (unsolicited) words, I sat there thinking about my looks and the role they play in my life. Compliment economics aside, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’ve just been a part of a perpetuation of a pesky cognitive bias called the Halo Effect.

Compliments aren’t free

You see, it got me thinking. I know I’m much more than my exterior. I know that. And maybe I was having a good hair day or my particular genetic composition appealed to this man’s particular aesthetic preferences. Either way, I’m aware that how I look doesn’t define me.

He didn’t know a single thing about me except the shape of the vessel that houses my quintessence.

But the reality of life is that how we initially judge people is often based on looks. And therein lies the source of my inner conflict.

Does image matter? Yes. Yes it does.

The short answer is yes. It’s not all that matters – but it matters.

And no it’s not because of the patriarchy or your mums weird hangup about always wearing makeup.

The reason you should consider your image important is as old as the dawn of time – or the dawn of sapiens at least. And it’s because of a cognitive bias called the Halo Effect.

The Halo Effect occurs when:

“a single quality – whether beauty, social status, age, etc. – produces in us a positive or negative impression that outshines everything else.”

The unfortunate, but very real side effect of this cognitive bias is that we are predisposed to regard good looks as an indicator of trustworthiness, likeability and intelligence – and there’s scientific consensus that we demonstrably do this.

Why the Halo Effect exists

Our brains are pre-programmed, thanks to thousands of years of evolutionary biology to favour pretty people, as they’re more likely to be healthy and therefore re-productively sound (which historically, was the determining factor of whether you and your genes survived).

This unconscious bias is the driving force behind why we judge others based on their looks – because this mental shortcut allows us to make judgements about others more quickly and effectively.

The unfortunate part is that these snap judgements aren’t always right and they almost never tell the full story.

Body positive is getting negative

In a body positive world it is no longer kosher to be appraised for ones looks. Having unconscious bias is akin to having a disease – the symptoms are trigger warnings and micro-aggression’s and the medicine is (supposedly) re-training your brain to never take a mental shortcut again.

But this goes to the heart of the problem – how do we manage a tendency that is hardwired into our cognition?

Don’t get me wrong here. I want to make it very clear I believe people should be judged on much more than looks. In fact it’s vitally important that we consider the entirety of a person before we decide what kind of person they actually are. But this requires effort and more significantly, it takes time – certainly more than a 15 second interaction. Which is certainly more than our pre-programmed biology will allow us in that time frame.

And so, this seemingly innocuous interaction raised questions like:

Am I allowed to enjoy a compliment about my looks?
Is he a shallow asshole for saying it?
Am I a shallow asshole for appreciating it? Liking it, even?
Should I be offended?
Should I be upset?
Was I being objectified?

I know people that would have found it offensive. I know people that would have been triggered.

But I didn’t. And I wasn’t. Does that make me a bad feminist? Am I anti-body-positivity?

Aren’t you more than your outside?

I know I’ve always wanted to be more than my outside.

Seven years ago the state of my ‘outside’ mattered a lot more than I care to admit. I was overweight. I was unhealthy. I didn’t exercise (like, ever) and I ate Macca’s at least 3 times a week. It was a self inflicted condition that I resented all the same.

It took two full years but I lost 20kgs. Five years on and I’m fitter and healthier than I’ve ever been, I’ve maintained my weight loss. I feel good. My skin is clear, my body is strong and my mind is confident. I workout everyday at 6am. I’m about to take on the Kokoda Track.

By most peoples standards, I look better than I used to. Because I’m thinner. Now, I get complimented by strangers – that certainly never used to happen.

There’s less of me, so that makes me easier to look at. It’s a perplexing thing, because it shouldn’t matter how I look, it should only matter how I feel… right?

Overcoming external forces

There are a plethora of movements encouraging women to weigh more than the relationship between their body and the earth’s gravitational pull (looking at your good work here, Jameela Jamil). They serve an important purpose. Every body is not the same and nor should it be.

But these movements muddy the waters for those that love their body but want more from it and for it.

Beyonce, a categorical equality champion has written songs about how much ‘Pretty Hurts’. And yet she too is human and fallible – admitting in her recent documentary, Homecoming that she had cut out essentially all food except vegetables (she was dairy, gluten, carb and sugar free), and was excising for hours a day, to get back to her pre-baby body.

I’ve read scathing indictments filled with cries of ‘how could she’, questioning the validity of her commitment to feminism and equality – all because she wanted to work hard to gain her strength back to look and feel good.

This is the part I find problematic.

Is striving to be healthier, fitter, stronger – and yes, skinnier – now offensive?

Internalised misogyny personal growth

What concerns me is the radicalized notion that because I wasn’t *chokes in indignation* offended by a man finding my visual appealing, that I must have internalised the oppressive misogyny that (allegedly) pervades the world.

I reject this wholeheartedly. The halo effect is real – but so is every individuals ability to choose their thoughts and opinions. I contradict myself here knowingly and purposefully. Cognitive biases are immediate and most often go unnoticed – but deep thought and analysis are drawn out and unmissable.

I believe that all humans capable of rational and logical thought are also capable of analysing their attitudes and instincts and overcoming their initial reactions bought on by cognitive nuances like the Halo Effect.

I’m not thinner because of the pressure of the male gaze – I’m thinner because I chose health, nutrition, strength and stamina for myself.

I’m not a ‘bad feminist’ because I chose to believe that my body was capable of much more that I had been asking from it.

Fitspo for life

I love being healthy. I’m a #fitspo wanker that drinks green juice and does yoga. It’s a fun hobby… that keeps me in a socially acceptable weight range. I make my own granola and try (and just as often fail) to meditate and be mindful. These are all good things for my body and soul. But I think it’s important to recognize that I do these things as part of a wider need I feel to keep myself in a state suitable for social consumption.

For a long time the feminist in me wondered how good it was that I’d succumbed to the pressure every woman feels to fit in – was I just a part of the problem, piling even more tension into an already heavy conversation about female objectification and sexualisation?

I think it’s important to raise these questions. To consider my own actions – am I helping or harming? Is my ‘fitness journey’ really just another sad commentary on the importance placed on looking a certain way? I write all this while I sit here drinking my organic green tea in my moisture-wicking (what even is that?) Lulu Lemons and am reminded that image is everything. Wearing the right clothes, eating the right things, even just for their instagramableness (screw you dictionary, it’s a word now) MATTERS. The halo effect is real, guys.

Broken halo’s aren’t so bad

I’d like to think that it’s more important to be healthy and happy. That, given the startling increase in obesity rates, I’m part of a solution in a consumptive and excessive society. That self-love and self-care are the ultimate goals of the health and well-being movement that’s swept across Australia in the last few years.

I’m not going to stop using raw cacao (cocoa is so 5 years ago) and I’m not going to start taking offence when a stranger compliments me. Yes, I am more than my outside. Yes, how I look matters. But you know what? It should be OK for those two things to exist in parallel.

On creating your life | The Creator [Poem]

Posted on August 20, 2018 by missbethcan

Do you know what it’s like to be a god?

You should.

Because that’s what you are.

You are the creator of your universe.

You’ve already met your maker 1000 times over – just by looking in the mirror.

You’re the master of the ship you choose to sail and you’re every iceberg.

You’re everything.

But you’re also nothing.

You’re nothing more than this second, this moment, this breath.

You don’t exist in the past or the present because those things don’t exist either – they’re the imaginings of a wayward mind.

And the imaginings in your head are only for you. No one else can ever experience them.

In that – you’re completely alone.

Maybe you’re lonely too, but that’s not a prerequisite of being alone – that’s a choice as well.

You’ve created it all – the chaos, the karma, the lonely and the love.

So tell me – doesn’t that make you a god?

I very strongly believe in the power we have as individuals to create and control our destinies.

You, and you alone, are responsible for creating your life.

Whether you believe in a higher force or believe in absolutely nothing, you should at least – I can’t believe I’m going to fucking say this – believe in yourself.

You are the cause, the conflict and the cure for every part of your life.

If you can just learn to take a modicum of responsibility for that you will be amazed at the new course you can chart.

You choose your thoughts and your actions – in fact this is all you choose. Everything else is utterly irrelevant in that it is completely out of your control.

So are you willing to become the creator of your own damn life?

Tell me how you’re creating your life at hello@missbethcan.com.

For more short form poetry visit @missbethcan

For lengthier poetic musings visit my poetry archive.

Breathing | You’re probably doing it wrong

Posted on May 30, 2017 by missbethcan

Are you breathing?

Stop. (Participate and listen). Are you breathing?

Where is your breath, this very second? Are you holding it? Is it’s slowly oozing out of you in a deep sigh? Are you sniffing it in, with short, sharp, shallow bursts? Is it stuck in your chest or at back of your throat? Or is it flowing freely up and down your spine?

This is your life. This one breath is your one and only life. You only ever get one of these babies at a time – so are you treating it right, are you paying attention, is it serving you?

I didn’t think so. You probably forgot you were breathing at all!

Breathing goes way back

The breath has long been recognised in many eastern traditions and practices, for thousands of years in fact. In Hindu philosophy and yogic meditation teachings it is called ‘prana’; in Chinese tradition, when practising Tai chi it is the eponymous ‘chi’ (or ‘Qi’) – they all speak to the breath as the same thing though – the cosmic, life giving force and the carrier of life energy.

How did the breath gain the prestige of being the bodies key anchor and force? Isn’t our heart the most important thing, the beating centre of our being? Or the brain, the collection of nerve endings firing chemicals across our synapses to create our consciousness? They all have their place. And the human body is in itself a study in miracles! But the breath.. now that’s a special piece of the puzzle.

Breaking down the science

It’s the only system in our body that is both conscious and subconscious. The respiratory centre in your brain stem is autonomously, continually reminding your lungs to breath – you breathe without conscious thought. But the unique characteristic of breathing is that it can also be voluntarily regulated.

It is the gateway to activating the parasympathetic system and the one pathway you have to gaining control over typically involuntary process like your heartbeat. But much more than that, it can give you control over other slippery subjects – like your thoughts and emotions.

You know the ones I’m talking about – the kind of thoughts that run amok in your mind, the kind of emotions that knock over self esteem, drag around fear and stomp on gratitude. This is where the ancient practice of meditation comes in.

Tricks of the trade – breath work for beginners

I’m no magician and I can’t breath underwater. But I do know that there are some good ways to stay floating on top of the waves, so they don’t drown you.

Breath Focus

This is literally as simple as it sounds. It’s the most common form of meditation because of how easy it is. In fact, it’s so easy, you’ll probably think you’re missing something or doing it wrong! But it’s legitimately:

Sitting, or lying (whatever is most comfortable) in a quiet space
Spending a few minutes (as little as 2 or as many as 20) focusing on your breath moving in and out of your body
Whenever you notice yourself thinking about things and stuff that aren’t your breath – just gently bring your attention back to your breathing again

Box Breathing
Box breathing is a more structured version of breath focus, that might be great if you know your mind prefers a more process-driven approach. It’s the same principle, but with a specific breathing pattern:

Sit or lie in a comfortable position in a comfortable space
Breath in for a count of 4, hold your breath inside your body for a count of 4 (without tension or tightness in your lungs), breath out for a count of 4 and then hold the breath out for a count of 4 (again, without tension, as much as possible)
Change the count depending on your lung capacity (counts of 3, or 5, whatever works best) and work to whatever feels good
If you find you’ve stopped counting and that your mind has wandered off, just re-focus and continue the count

Control your breath – control your life

The experience of losing your breath isn’t unique or singular – it’s universal and completely normal.

But, inherently, so is your breath. It’s yours. It’s your magic. It’s your life force.

It’s the path to your inside – literally, physically – but also in that other way, the warm, fuzzy way, that gives you back the power over your own mind, the quiet and the calm and the control.

Your meditation practice doesn’t have to be long or fancy. It just has to be yours.

So are you paying attention yet? Where is your breath? And where will it take you next?

Dry 2017 | 3 months into my year without drinking

Posted on April 2, 2017 by missbethcan

3 months stone cold sober

“Do you want a drink?”

“No I’m good thanks.”

“Not drinking tonight?”

“No… not drinking this year actually! I’m doing Dry 2017.”

The first (and my favourite) reaction is usually: “Good on you!”

The next comment is either “God, I could never do that!” or “But, wine?!”

Because not drinking for a year is a big deal in 2017. Because not drinking makes you a bit different and a bit weird and a bit confusing.. “Like, how do you have fun when you go out?”

And then of course comes the inevitable: “But, why?”

Why I started my year without drinking

For me it’s so simple. I dislike how alcohol tastes, how it makes me feel and how awful hangovers are in my old age.

But more than that – I just don’t need alcohol to have a good time. I enjoy every night out (or in!) stone cold sober because I enjoy the natural high I get from the people I surround myself with.

Ok, ok, the real reason..

The catalyst for this year was obvious for me – after a particularly rowdy New Years Eve that left me in bed until 7PM on New Years Day, I made the choice to stop drinking for a while.. and at some point I realised I could do this for ages. A whole year if I wanted. So that’s what I’m doing.

The side effects are numerous and include:

Uber-hydration
Strange looks
Interesting (remembered) conversations
Saved money
Productive weekends
A healthy liver
A clear mind

Sharing the sober life

The most interesting part to me though is the permeation of the idea to the sober curious people around me, an osmosis-like acceptance of the ‘dry’ approach.

My best friend and my boss have both launched into varying degrees of dryness, from a successful month to their own year long attempts.

To me this is by far the best part. Because it means I’m living breathing proof that you can have fun without drinking. That’s not to say I’ll never drink again or that I dislike or judge anyone that chooses to consume alcohol.

Come Jan 1st 2018 I may feel completely differently!

(Spoiler alert, I don’t – and you can read my 2019 #drylife update here).

For now though – it’s just not for me.

Could you do a whole year, completely dry? Or am I totally crazy for even trying? Tell me what you think: hello@missbethcan.com

Jump, even when you don’t know what lies beyond the ledge

Posted on January 7, 2017 by missbethcan

You’re standing at the edge of a cliff.

‘I’ve got you. It’s all going to be OK,’ said a voice on the wind. Or maybe it was your heart?

You’ve climbed so far to get here.

Some days you were dragged up – the wind pushed you, the rain beat you forward. On good days the path cleared just a little – to remind you that you are, in fact, going the right way.

You can remember how it felt to touch the clouds. At least you thought that’s what you could feel between your fingertips. You detoured off the path and climbed onto the roof of a broken house that you could never call home. When the doors stayed shut and the windows boarded up you realised – you had to keep climbing.

And now you’re here.

It’s loud.

The wind won’t stop. It carries the whispers of the past, opinions and ideas, suggestions and warnings, from everyone you’ve met on your ascent so far. They all know something you don’t, they all would do it differently. But they aren’t you. You have to do this all on your own.

It’s not the kind of mountain you can climb down. That’s not how life works. There’s only one way forward and it’s straight over the edge. You think you know what’s over there. But what if you’re wrong? You hope you’re going to land in the clouds – for real this time. But what if there are jagged rocks or deep, deep water that will never let you see the surface again?

You want to be sure and you want to be safe. But there’s no safe, there’s no sure. There’s no crystal ball and there are no guarantees.

There’s just the edge.

And you’re all on your own up here. Sure, you can phone a friend but they can’t do it for you. This is your life. And the next hour, the next day, the next month – the next ten years – will be guided by what you do next. And that’s the truly terrifying part. This is the flap of a butterfly’s wing. This is the chaos theory in full effect. What you do next will echo through the rest of your life, for all your years to come. It will set the tone and the standard, the course and the coast. Are you ready for it? Can you handle the pressure?

You’ve already survived so much worse. Your heels are scabbed, your back aches, you’re sunburnt and wind-whipped, there’s sand in your eyes and under your fingernails. You’re so fucking done. And you’ve done so fucking much. And now you have to leave it all behind.

You have to let it all go. All the hurt and pain. You have to finally move on, tackle the next mountain (or molehill) of your life. You have to let go.

YOU HAVE TO LET GO.

It’s for your own good really.

Are you ready for it? Are you ready to jump? You can’t hold on to anything once you do it. You have to forget the whispers and the people they came from. You have to forgive the people who hurt you. You have to forgive yourself. Can you do that?

It’s nearly time to jump. To fall. To fly. Whatever happens, you have to move. You have to keep going.

Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.

Cry first if you have to. Feel sorry for yourself. Feel every ounce of hurt and pain that’s been inflicted on you and that you have undoubtedly inflicted. Sob your little heart out for the mistakes and the misunderstandings of the past. Be sad. Be sorry.

Then jump. Do it with your whole body and all of your spirit.

This isn’t the kind of thing you can fake or half-ass.

Throw yourself into the future. Embrace it. Enjoy it.

Remember that life happens for you not too you. You just have to know the difference and know that perspective is everything.

Jump.

JUMP!

… Tell me what happens when you do?